Three birthdays and two Christmases worth of hinting netted me zilch, so I decided to go full-on Ralphie this past holiday season and just lay it out there plain. What was my “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!?” My pitch went something like this: “I want a Shark Ion robotic vacuum with a self-docking port.” Cue cheesy smile.
Just like Ralphie, I had to deal with my family’s version of “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.” I was met with rebuttals regarding price, distrust of technology, and the almost insurmountable “What’s wrong with the $300 vacuum we already have?” The teenagers, who wouldn’t push a vacuum unless under threat of a Mommy Dearest remake right in our own home, actually stated that a robot vacuum was just an excuse for ME to be lazy. They did this with straight faces and absolutely no recognition of irony.
Despite my husband’s logic that I could go get one any time I wanted, I persisted. I wanted it to be a gift. I wanted it under the tree. I wanted Ralphie’s thrill of unwrapping the very thing he wished for. If you know me, you know I don’t give a hoot for jewelry or baubles. Give me a chicken tractor! Give me a freezer full of beef! The way to this woman’s heart is through practicality. A Shark Ion robotic vacuum with a self-docking port means joy!
So, maybe I had to sit in the parking lot while my family made the momentous purchase. Maybe I had to wrap it myself because “We don’t like origami, Mom.” Maybe I threw a little guilt-trip their way with an oversized gift tag. But, by golly, she was nestled under the tree and ready to sing “Joy to the Floors” come Christmas Day!
I named her LollE in deference to that odd robot movie and the fact that just like a lollipop, she’s a real sucker. I had visions of shouting, “Hey, LollE, you suck!” every time I cranked her up with her remote starter. But she’s just so darn cute that I can’t heckle her. Instead, I find myself talking to LollE like she’s a puppy. When she starts yelping because she’s stuck, I rescue her and pat her on her bumper. When it’s time to empty her dustbin, I tell her what a good girl she is for finding so much dirt and thank her for her service. My floors have never been cleaner! I’m smitten.
Now, the good folks at Shark have come out with a robotic mop. It has a self-docking port! Looks like it’s time for me to start working toward getting LollE a little sister.