Talk about a marketing plan hitting on all cylinders! It was impossible to ignore those bright yellow ads that kept popping up on my Facebook feed and my daily sorties through Instagram. I mean, the capsules are so pretty with tiny orbs of vitamin goodness floating in fish oil (I think). They reminded me of those water ring toss games that mesmerized me as a small girl. You know the ones…you pushed a little button that sent colorful rings floating in the tube. The object of the game was to get the rings to land on the target. If you were lucky, you had the version with glitter in the water!
If the Barefoot Contessa were to cook up a vitamin supplement, this would be the one! Each ingredient is painstakingly sourced—potassium from a non-GMO, handpicked, native banana grown in an egalitarian society free of both oppression and pollution while dolphins splash happily in the nearby crystalline sea—painstaking. It just makes you feel good about humanity and the animal kingdom.
So, out came my card, and with a flash of fingers, I eagerly awaited my first shipment of sunshine in a box. The vitamins arrived quickly. The box opened to a bright yellow interior and a pack of stickers! One of the main goals of this provider (aside from making ooh boodles of money) is to help women establish a habit of taking their vitamins so that they will be happy, healthy, and on top of the world. Popping a sticker on a card every time you pop your vitamins is not only fun, it gives you a sense of accomplishment and motivates you to “earn” your sticker for the next day. Brilliant, vitamin people!
When you open up the bottle, the fresh smell of peppermint (sourced straight from Santa’s workshop) is invigorating. No, the vitamins don’t have peppermint in them. The bottle has a peppermint infused plug thingy down in there with the capsules. When you swallow the vitamins, you get a nice hit of peppermint—an instant “happy”. It’s not quite enough, though, to overpower the Omega 181 fish oil burps that are headed your way like salmon on an upstream run. No worries, the fish were humanely milked of their healthy oils by fairly compensated oil retraction engineers and released unharmed into the pristine waters of Lake Hookline&sinker.
I was hoping my body would adjust to my newfound habit of healthiness and I’d quit belching Mint of the Sea, but after a week of stickers (even smiley-faced ones!), I figured I’d get used to it soon enough. I pressed on. I needed to fill up that sticker card and I was now receiving email encouragement from Chad or Brad something, a really hip fellow who provided me with cute infographics about the good I was doing my body and the world.
Chad or Brad really wanted me to look at the long-range benefits of these vitamins and how they would keep making my life better and better. All I would need to do is continue my subscription (conveniently and automatically deducted until Doomsday if I so desired) to have more energy, glorious thick locks, clear skin, and a host of other benefits. The problem for me, though, was fishy gas both ways. I was bloated, gained 3 pounds without pigging out on any more nachos than usual, and could peel paint at 30 paces. At that point, Chad or Brad starting getting on my nerves.
The email about how I could do my part to reduce landfill waste by reusing the plastic bottle, along with a list of things I could put in it now that I had taken all my vitamins, was the last…err…straw. I didn’t mind the sticker card. In fact, it was helpful. What I did mind was the almost daily contact. It went from being a neat experience to a nuisance in a hurry. I may like stickers, but I’m still a grown woman and that’s all the reminding about taking my vitamin that I needed.
The marketing was so sleek, so insistent that I just smelled something fishy (no, not the fog of noxious gas). I stuck it out and went the whole 30 days, proudly applying my “You Did It!” sticker before going right back to my trusted chewables.
Rocky Rates It
4/5 ★★★★ Marketing svelte
1/5 ★ Product effectiveness (for me)
5/5 ★★★★★ Potency in methane emissions