What Lurks Beneath… Homekeeping horror show

May 12, 2019Southern Alabama Living0 comments

I know I’m no June Cleaver, but my house is passably clean. I refuse to touch the teens’ rooms on general principle, but I don’t let stuff stay strewn all over my public rooms. It’s not like we have folks come a-callin’ all that often, at least not without inquiring as to whether we know the Lord. We do live out a piece and have big dogs. Nevertheless, I want my living room to be decent and I’d prefer my kitchen not look like a tornado ran through it.

All the stars somehow aligned, and I found my kitchen tidy and the laundry caught up. That’s why I decided to do a deep dive into the inner recesses of the living room furniture. Big mistake! Any semblance of cleanliness I had achieved was little more than a lick and a promise. How one family can generate this much horror is beyond me. If Hoarders had an episode titled “What Lies Beneath the Cushions”, my poor house would win an Emmy.

I bet my Great Aunt Evelyn rolled over in her grave when I lifted those cushions. Great Aunt Evelyn was the one whose couch was wrapped in thick plastic sheeting. Dust never had a chance in her house. Her home was a testament of cleanliness being next to Godliness. I was absolutely terrified of her, but I can still picture her living room as if I were standing in it right now.

Here is an inventory of what I discovered shoved up under my cushions in what I mistakenly believed to be my clean living room. Frankly, I would not have been surprised to find the ghost of Great Aunt Evelyn clicking her tongue in disapproval. I’m ashamed to admit that there’s no need for exaggeration. Aside from enough dirt to pot a geranium, the following items were recovered:

2 throw pillows (Yes, UNDER the cushions)
7 odd socks, not a match to be found
1 oven mitt (I have no idea how it got there, since I’m the only one who touches the oven)
1 lead rope, for a horse, Gentle Reader. We don’t own a horse!
Assorted food wrappers-Oreo, GoGo Squeeze, Animal Crackers, and an uneaten granola bar
1 empty Coke bottle
1 slip of wrapping paper from Christmas.
1 lollipop stick
6 ponytail holders
1 black jellybean

My apologies to June Cleaver, Martha Stewart, and my dearly departed Great Aunt Evelyn.

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